my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
