Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
