Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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