Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
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