Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
