mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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