I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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