two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize
