Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
