my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
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