i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
