good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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