Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
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