I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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