Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
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