That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Randomize
