guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Non-Jews are for practice
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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