I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
