I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
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