I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
Randomize
