I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
