if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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