We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
