I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
