sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
