Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
