Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize
