please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
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