after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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