Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Randomize
