I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
My Higher Power is John Stamos
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
