Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
