That's intense
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
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