remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
