That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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