In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Randomize
