Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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