i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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