Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
