Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Randomize
