Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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