ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
