I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
ok 1 i realized people actually live in central wisconsin and 2 culvers could be a good place to pick up chicks today
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
