my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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