I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I need moral support for this bender
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I'm both gender and math confused
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
