Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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