My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
im holly from the hills drunk
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
