Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Randomize
