Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Randomize
