its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
