WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
